Everyone that knows me, knows I can take a joke, I can also banter back and forth and can cop it on the chin. I don’t take some things seriously. I love a good laugh – especially when I spit my coffee out from laughing so hard, I love seeing people make others happy. Thats what life is all about right?

What I don’t stand for is Bullying.

We all know someone that has been bullied for all the wrong reasons but did we put a stop to it? Probally not.

I personally have seen the effects bullying has on Kids. My niece and nephews were bullied and it’s hurtful. They would come home from school not wanting to go back there.  They are kind kids and wouldn’t hurt a fly so why. My eldest nephew was bullied at a school in Sydney and the 1 kid that put a stop to it was the son of NRL legend Joe Gulavao. His son Judah was taught at a young age to never be a bystander if someone is being bullied. What fantastic role models Joe and his wife Maybelle are to their kids and the wider community.

I have always said to my kids, don’t bully or judge anyone. You never know what there story is. My big kids used to argue and fight all the time- I remember once they were fighting and I got them out the back yard to fight each other. It worked and now they are close as ever. I don’t recommend this but it worked for me and them. My middle son was a anti – bullying campaign ambassador for HS and he did a god damn good job at it.

I have been bullied to stop my blogs going online but you know what I have to say about that – A BIG FUCK YOU. This is my blog and if you don’t like it don’t read it, it’s as simple as that. These a real and as honest as they come.

 

 

Till the next one…..

B

xo

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My Story of PND and how I cured it.

My Story of PND and how I cured it.

I am writing this piece so I can reach out to other mothers that are either going through PND as I had. It’s my honesty and it’s pretty real, something I never thought I would go thru but I did and I am sharing the rawness of it with you. Only a few selected knew I had been diagnosed with it and it’s those few that knew that got me thru it. I had mentioned in a previous blog that I had it but this is the feelings towards it….

I have 4 absolute gorgeous kids whom I would walk to the ends earth for. 2 grubby teenagers and a set of B/G fraternal twins.

July 2015 – The day my twins were born by caesarean. 5am I had gotten up to take a leak and as I jumped back into bed, yep my water had broken. It was time but they were not due for 5 weeks and I was unsure what hospital they were going to take me to so I went to the local one. I had messaged my work managers to let them know “The Boss” will be in hospital giving birth to a set of twins and not to tell the team as yet. By 9am I was in agony and didn’t know if I could push 2 babies out I was shitting bricks and wanted a caesarian.

My first-born was an emergency ceaser as his fat head and big ears got stuck, my second born was a la natural with about 20 students watching on but this time I had no idea what I was doing as the hospital wanted me to go naturally but I didn’t want to esp as the pain was unbearable – and I have a pretty high pain tolerance. When they finally gave me what I wanted I was wheeled to the operating theatre to get prepped. Given 2 spinal blocks and 2 puffs of gas as they took it off me man that shit is the bomb 🙂 assholes…….

Then I was taken in and ready to rock and roll, I had about 10 Dr’s in with me and I was awake and I have never been awake with my eldest so I had no idea what was supposed to happen. Their father was eventually bought in and he stayed up my end. There was a big ass sheet in front of me and I could see the Dr’s heads but had no idea they started hacking away at me. Then all of a sudden I heard screaming coming from a baby. My boy was out and he cried like banche and was so bloody loud. He was only 6pd3oz which is about 2.8kgs, average size for a twin and he was 5 weeks preemie . My first-born was a whopper at 9pound something so he was tiny.

2 minutes later my only baby girl was born, mind you she was not ready and I watched them burst the sac she was in. Blood went everywhere. I didn’t hear her cry, I heard nothing. I seen Dr’s racing over to her and her father as well. I wasn’t told anything except she is ok. I was all alone with no one beside me to tell me what was going on, it was the longest 4 minutes of my life whilst they were giving her oxygen to keep her breathing. I only found this out as one of the surgeons sat beside me cause he could see the panic in my eyes and the silent tears rolling down my eyes. He told me everything that was going on. My heart was racing and then I heard her cry, I don’t believe in god but boy did I pray hard. The twins were brought over to me and that’s when I broke down and just cried at her. My lil fighter had fought thru. She was so tiny, the tiniest baby I had ever had. She was 5pd15oz which was 2.2kg- I can only tell you she felt like I was holding a bag of rice.

The Dr’s took the twins away to the special care nursery as she had to be put in a humidicrib for 24 hours and no one was allowed to hold her whilst she was put on oxygen. I was still in surgery getting desexed (tubes tied) and then into recovery for a couple of hours to make sure I was ok. I had no one in there with me as they were all waiting outside, I did have a nice nurse come and see me every now and again and the surgeons but nothing spectacular.

When I was finally allowed to see the twins in SCU it was heartbreaking. I had a wave of anxiety run through me and my heart was beating to fast and I thought I was going to cark it but I got told it was the anesthesia wearing off. I was allowed to hold Matteo as he was thriving and I got to breast feed him and hold him and look at him and play with him but I was also sick. They gave me some cordial and a sandwich but that all got thrown up on anyone that was near me. As I was holding Matteo I never got the chance to hold Zoe as she was in her safe Lil oxygen bed. I couldn’t smell her, touch her or even stroke her hair. All I could do was look. I just cried – I wanted to hold my lil warrior but wasn’t allowed to for 24 hrs. It was the worst feeling ever, especially being violently ill and not being able to keep anything down at all.

The nurses were great and let me sleep that night as they bottle feed them for me as I was continually throwing up all night. That night I had visitors but they only saw the fucked up side of my vomit and spit and whining that I wanted food but can’t keep it down. My poor dad copped a bit on him but just re washed the spew bag and gave it back, I did tell him i can get a new one.

As everyone left, I was left alone in a room all by myself. Thats when it hit me. FUCK. How am I going to do this if I’m going to be sick all the time. I can’t hold my babies and I needed sleep. I couldn’t sleep as I was worried, I had no one to talk to except the nurses that kept coming in bugging me to take temp and give me drugs 😉 but let me tell you. They were my angels that helped me. I remember I couldn’t sleep so I asked can I see the twins and a nurse took me in the preemie unit so I could nurse Matteo at least and watch Zoe. There were babies in their from all walks of life. The angel nurses gave me hope that I can do it.

The next day Zoe was allowed out as she was breathing so much better as they turned the oxygen down on her and I got to hold her. She was the most precious lil doll and so tiny. She had the heart of a fighter and the body of starved-looking child. She was bandaged up with oxygen still up her nose but she was getting stronger everyday and I nicknamed her my Lil Warrior.

All in all I was there for 7 nights with them and I thought I had it all down pat at the hospital with feeds on routines and also the help and support. Every night I had a nurse come and help me get them into a feeding pattern and I thought, great this is gonna be a breeze.

Well home time it was and boy did things change from the hospital. Now I’m not here to bag anyone. He did cook me dinners and made me coffee when I needed one. Im not saying he didn’t help but he rarely did and people know what I went through at this stage.

I was doing a majority of it by myself. I had to switch to bottle as I couldn’t produce enough milk – Yes I know I was shocked as well. The days were ok but the nights were horrendous. I was doing all the night feeds and changing, settling and all the hard work and was surviving on about 3 hours sleep every night. This went on for weeks and I couldn’t function and was getting snappy at everyone. All I wanted was sleep but couldn’t  as I knew I had to keep going. I remember one night Zoe would not take her bottle and she cried for 3 hours straight. I rocked, sang and hoped she would not wake Matteo as this had now thrown them out of routine big time. Nothing was working and I threw her bottle at the wall with the shits – yes I was tired and no one was there to help. He did wake up after I threw it and asked what was wrong then went back to sleep as he had to work. If looks could kill he was a dead man already killed twice over and buried in a bucket of acid. Eventually she settled and I was that rat shit I wanted to sleep but Matteo woke up and he was a good baby to settle, he was easy but she was so stubborn. Once he settled I jumped online to beyond blue and checked symptoms of PND as I wasn’t sure if this was the baby blues, my lack of sleep and shit or real life PND. Did the questionnaire and yep i had all 10 symptoms. I was like FUCK so I sat there and cried myself to sleep until it was feeding time.

Weeks went on, I had some good days and I had bad days and it was worse at night when I had no one. No one to chat to, no one to vent to. Eventually I started putting the twins in their rockers with propped up towels to feed them whilst I scrolled FB- thank god for the night owl friends who would chat to me in-between burping and all and I vented it out with them how my day was going and how they were going, looking back no one had ever asked how I was.

I was riddled with anxiety and if you want to know why, sms or inbox me and ask me and I will gladly tell you but a majority of people know why and what he put me through.

I used to love taking them out shopping with me, It’s like you’re a rock star, people would stop and want to look and ask you questions and you would get the same shit over and over again. I had some sarcastic comments thrown back at them  when I was in a rush and eventually people learnt to leave me alone whilst out shopping.

I had not told anyone about the anxiety or the way I had felt, not even family knew. I didn’t want to hurt myself or the twins i just wanted to run away constantly. My heart used to beat so fast I could feel it coming out of my chest, I would freak if the baby Dr would come over and she would notice I was sweating bad, she picked up on it as well and told me to go to the Dr’s. I didn’t want to admit it but one day I was sitting in the lounge room with everyone(him and my eldest) and just said to them. Bottles are in the fridge, I need to go to the Dr’s. Please just watch the twins for me.

I went and saw him and just cried and cried and cried.I wanted mum but she wasn’t around to help me.  He prescribed me with medication and I took the prescription and went to the chemist. I was embarrassed to hand it over and thought of all the judgement thrown at me. I got the drugs and went home. I didn’t tell anyone why I had went. I really don’t know why I had spent the money on these as I had no intention of taking them. Maybe I thought it was a quick fix I dunno. What was worse was I have a 4cm gap between my abdominal muscles because the twins stretched them that much. So after I had the twins, my belly still stuck out and if I had lose fitting clothes on, I would have random strangers and mostly women ask when I was due. When it was either once or twice a day, it does get your confidence so low you just want to fix it. When I went back to work I was asked constantly and I would then put them in their place and say No, I was just fat but thanks for pointing out how I look. They would either stumble their words or walk away with embarrassment. I felt like shit and I wasn’t getting the support or the confidence I thought I would get from someone.

One night I was up doing the nights again and jumped online to research some stuff and I came across an english Blogger named Sam Avery- he has twins the same age as me. As I was reading i was laughing at what he was going through and It was the first time I had laughed in a long time. So I messaged him to thank him, I got a reply and was over the moon thinking I was some big superstar. The next day I told everyone at home about how funny he is but I didn’t get the same reaction and thought fuck you, this guy is hilarious. His blogs are real and it does give you hope that someone else out there is doing it as well. I researched more blogs and came across Constance Hall. She’s an Aussie blogger and so real and honest, I feel in love with her – No not literally you goose. Her blogs were so inspiring and know she went through PND as well and has twins just made me connect. Not everyone had the same taste as me but she got me through quite a lot. I changed my way of thinking and let go of quite a bit and looked for the positives in things I did and put the negatives to bed. Everyday I told myself I was doing an awesome job and the kids will one day see that. It works, trust me. It’s the power of the mind. I love quotes and words and would always find meaning in them.  I didn’t take the medication that was prescribed but to anyone that wants to, that’s fine by me, whatever gets you through it. Everyone is different and has different battles.

I eventually told people what I was feeling and how shit I felt and I was a worthless mother and so forth and received the support from a great bunch of people who I have mentioned in previous blogs. I love you all to bits. Lisa, Angelina, Martti, Lori, Michelle, Silvana. You guys helped me become who I am today xo.

So as I write this blog for mums and also dads to know what I went through, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Get help if you need it.

http://www.lifeline.org.au

http://www.beyondblue.org.au

Change your mindset and don’t give up. Don’t be stubborn, you are beautiful and are doing a fantastic job at what you’re doing. We are not all fuckin perfect. Somedays my kids are absolute turds, my eldest can be a shit head but they know I love them to the earths end. Parenting is the hardest job in the world and if you love your kids and would do anything for them – YOU ARE DOING IT RIGHT.

I’m 39 years old, my stomach resembles a saggy war wound but I have carried 4 babies, my tits arent perky but I have tried to breast feed 4 babies, My hair looks like a mess in the mornings, I wear mismatch PJ’s, I drink a cheeky red wine or alcoholic beverage (WILD TURKEY) on weekends at night, sometimes ill sneak one in midweek, I exercise when I can, I work 40 hours per week, I parent the rest of the time,I do the god damn best I can and am proud of myself and all my kids.

Until the next one….

 

B

xo

 

 

 

Listen & Silent is spelt with the same words

Listen & Silent is spelt with the same words

I work with the public on a daily basis as I have said in other blogs, I listen to a lot of stories of peoples lives. I listen to friends and families lives, I also listen to strangers conversations they have if I am in ear shot.

This is where I draw my inspiration from.

Yesterday I had one of our local’s at the shopping centre approach me and tell me how flat he felt and he just felt depressed – somedays I think Im a bloody councillor or psychologist just without any degree. Now this guy can banter and we just throw it at each other whenever we see each other. He is 72 and thinks he is gods gift to women and thinks he can pick up 22 year olds, mind you he is married to a beautiful women who just laughs when she see’s us throwing shit at each other.

So back to him telling me how flat he felt, he seemed pretty genuine and didn’t look like himself normally. I smiled at him and asked him why. He didn’t know why he said he just felt flat- maybe it was the weather but I wasn’t sure so i just looked at him and listened to what he said. Still unsure wether or not he was trying to make me bite as he had a smirk on his face so I said to him. “You are breathing, where most people aren’t, You have your hands and feet, your heart is pumping, your brains still work, you can hear, taste, smell and see and apparently in your words all the time your &^%$ still works” He just looked at me and said “Your right and walked away”. I was dumbfounded that he just walked away. Bit of tough love there as I have picked his personality and kind of knew what he needed to hear.

I seen him today and he walked up to me and said thanks as he had to walk away as I was right (Yet again ;p). He had what some people don’t have and that put it into perspective. See the truth sometimes helps.

Humans are funny creatures. Somedays I love people and some days Id prefer to work with animals.

This comes to the point of this blog. if someone is having a bad day, just sit back and listen to what they have to say or vent.  Just be silent and listen. It is hard, god even I can’t stay silent sometimes for long but I have learnt over time that some people just need to get it off their chest. If you know the person well you can decipher what needs to happen, do you take the tough love approach or tread carefully.  20+ years of management will do that to you. Im pretty good at picking people.

I used to come home from work and just talk about my day and whinge or whine about something but was always told how to do this and do that. That’s not what I wanted, I just wanted to get it off my chest. I know how to solve my own problems and I know what to do, I just needed to get it off my chest. After I let it out, I was fine but don’t tell me how to solve anything unless I ask for it.  Now I just blog it – it’s easier.

Next time your having a conversation with someone just stay silent and take it all in. You will understand them more and it may teach you a thing or to. The quote that I used on this blog is so true, us humans all do it wether we are conscious of it or not, fuck I’m far from perfect but I’m learning and it’s people that I rarely know that have taught me that.

I could seriously now listen to that many stories of people I rarely know and be there all day- some times it does happen and I wish I had more time but now I have become apart of there lives forever as I have helped them in more ways than one- That is why I love what I do.

I could go on forever but I have another topic I need to touch on for the next blog.

Till next time

 

B

x

 

 

 

The Untitled one…..

The Untitled one…..

The reason behind the Title is because I don’t really know what to call it. This was sitting in my drafts for weeks before I decided today to post it. Not because I was asked to last night but because I had a customer of mine going through something that most people know about. CANCER…I was talking to his daughter this morning and she was telling me he is not the man he used to be and refuses to see people and doesn’t want his daughter to look after him so he is checking himself into a retirement village to live the rest of his days there. I could see the pain in her eyes and teared up and bit the inside of my cheek to stop myself. This man has so many stories to tell & I have heard a lot of them from him. He is kind, compassionate and a cheeky 92 year old who loves bacon just like me. He enlisted himself into WW1 & 2, went to Korea, Vietnam war and worked his ass off after he came back. He was a true hero. He was a hero of mine and now he is dying……..with not much time on this earth to go…..This is the most realist writing (blog) I have done  so far and it’s pretty full on…If you can’t read on, no offence taken – I get it.

I don’t believe in God, I don’t go to church – it would burn down if I stepped in it, thats for sure, let’s just say I am more spiritual and believe in the after life.

The horrid Cancer, we all know someone that has had it, going through it or has passed from it. All I can say is FUCK CANCER.

Cancer took my mother away, Cancer has taken friends away, I just wish they could find a cure- and please for the love of me, don’t comment on all this crap about healthy living and bla bla bla cause I get it. Ive researched.

When you watch someone go through Cancer, its god damn horrible to watch.

November 23rd 2013 was the day my mother’s angel wings formed and she closed her eyes for the very last time. I wasn’t there, I was picking my son up from work when I received the phone call from my sister. I was prepared as I knew that was the day she was going. I had an inkling it was because at around 8am at Nepean Hospital I was down stairs outside and looked up at the sky and saw 2 birds flying and the clouds open up, something inside me knew it was the day. I called my sister who was dropping the kids off at school and told her to come to the hospital. We stood around my mums bed just watching the crippled disease take her. If anyone has ever seen what it can do to you and physically watched someone you love go through it, its the worst of the worst. I wouldn’t even wish it on my worst enemy. I believe in euthanasia as no one deserves to leave this world like that.  I had washed my mum, watched the nurses turn her, spoon feed her, shoved medicine down her throat all whilst she was in pain and you could see the stubborn women hating it. She hated relying on people. I never saw my mother take her last breath but my sister and 2 aunties had just walked in to watch her take it one last time.

A lot of people may not know but me and my mum clashed – I mean ALOT..She chased me in the back yard with a knife once and would constantly put me down and say shit to me – Hence why I moved out at 16. She said she would disown me if I got a tattoo, so I did but she didn’t disown me. So I got about 7 more and she still didn’t disown me. Man this women was stubborn. I think she secretly loved me, but had a weird way of showing it. My sister on the other hand was lil miss perfect 😉 . She done everything right- went to school, got some uni shit together and bla bla bla…I was just a late bloomer and was having way to much fun and liked to do things my way.  I ran the 2013 City to Surf  on her birthday for Mum and her posse of Cancer sufferers, Katie and I wore pink and had names up our arms of the sufferers and ones who have passed. Mum didn’t have faith in me and said I was going to fail it. Well guess what, I finished it in 2 hours and so many minutes. That night as I rested, my legs were killing me and I literally could not move and she just kept laughing at me but she massaged them for me and I thought to myself  “This women has gone through 4 years of chemo and radiation, double mastectomy and I’m whinging about the soreness of my legs – Like really Bel- your sounding pretty selfish to me” And thats when I became strong. Not just for her but for all sufferers. I walked like John Wayne for days after and she still kept laughing.

This piece of writing is aimed at trying to find a cure for the sick disease and to give hope to all who are suffering. I have a few friends battling it at the moment and I know they will get through this cause they are such strong warriors and so determined to kick it to the curb. They don’t give up, they keep going.

If you are reading this blog from my FB page can you all do me a favour and don’t send me messages in my inbox for hearts to go on a wall, bra straps to show, God messages and so forth cause I will tell you bluntly now – IT DONT HELP JACK SHIT.

Guys: if your in a relationship or whatever- grab your women and check her breasts for lumps, have a feel, enjoy the moment whilst you are helping her. If your unsure how- google it and Girls, Softly grab his nuts and have a feel, enjoy the moment and let him enjoy the moment whilst your helping him. This is helping, this is doing something and making people aware.

If your feeling unwell, go to the Dr’s, get tested for things if something isn’t right.

As much as I hate getting my tit squashed flat, I know I have to do it once a year for genetic reasons- Breast Cancer was on both sides.

Remember my warriors:  HOPE = Hold On Pain Ends

Till next time

B

xo

 

 

Love actually…..

Love actually…..

So I was having my afternoon piccolo when my barista had come over to talk to me and wanted a females opinion. I looked at him and asked said “You really want my opinion, are you sure you want to hear it” So he was telling me how he was in love with this girl for years and that he still has love for her but doesn’t like her and can’t look at her anymore. He is a proud man and can’t go there as she has moved on but there is another women he likes, he has met her family and likes her. What do you say to someone who says that to you. You just bluntly tell him to move on and take a chance in life because you only get one shot. If its meant to be, it will be.  Don’t stop wasting  the last few years pinning for something that might not be and not give someone else a chance at what you have to offer.

So do we really know what Love is?

We have all been in relationships where we think it’s love and when it ends we are shattered to pieces cause it’s lost and we think we are doomed for life and can’t live without them. Thats total BULLSHIT – we can live without them, we can move on until we fall in love again and again and again…..

I have cried and lost- man my mum put my dog down whilst I was a school and I didn’t know until I got home – never forgave her for that.

All couples fight and have arguments, it wouldn’t be normal if there wasn’t one. But it’s what we do afterwards that matter. Do we put our pride aside and apologise or do we just hold onto that anger and let it eat us up.

Ive been told many times Im a stubborn shit , its not being stubborn its just if I feel i am in the right I will stand my ground BUT I will also listen to the other person’s side before I jump in, I will see it from their point and 9 times out of 10 you will get an apology from me cause I was just to stubborn to admit that you were right.

My biggest thing ever is don’t ever go to bed angry, I have never gone to bed angry but I have gone to bed lonely and just cried myself to sleep. I thought that was love but it’s far from it. NO ONE should let anyone go to bed with tears in their eyes, it’s the worst feeling in the world.

Being single has given me a new insight to things. I had to learn to love myself again before I can give my heart to someone else to share. My priorities changed. My heart was guarded but I knew what I wanted, I wanted to find happiness and I did, in the form of my children and my beautiful friends/family. I have found it finally within myself and I radiated it to everyone I meet – Just look at my FB page. I have learnt to embrace the storms in my life and turn it around to a positive and stay there. The key to being happy is knowing you have the power to choose what to accept and what to let go.

What do I see as love?

I see laughter, I see the heart, I see compassion, I see affection,I see attraction, I see living life and embracing the moment in time, I see the eyes, I see smiling, I see hope, I see strength, I see balance, I see trust, I see understanding, I see empathy….I see wrestling, I see bear hugs, I see sunday morning hugs with rainy day lie ins, I see conversations on life, I see coffee, I see believing in each other, I see honesty, I see food fights, I see dancing in the dark, I see spontaneous adventures, I see tiffs and the best part is making up ;), I see spoiling the one Im with, I see lil surprises.  I see a lot of things but it’s simple things. It’s simple things that matter.

Im 39 years old and  I have hope and I still believe in love after all that Ive been through, I believe it will come at the right time. In the mean time Im having fun doing what Im doing and living each day smashing my goals.

 

A good life is when you assume nothing, do more, need less, smile often, dream big, laugh a lot and realise how blessed you are ❤

 

PS: Yes I put that cheeky picture in the top bit cause well, thats my personality.

Till next time

 

B

xo

 

Friend or Foe

Friend or Foe

Ok, so I have been asked by my good friend Martti to write something as he would be the only one that would read my book if I wrote one….

So what do you classify as a good friend?

Sometimes Im a terrible friend and don’t return calls or messages for days because that’s just how I am, I forget or I go too and my kids are distracting me or Matteo steals my phone for youtube – He’s 2 and knows how to use a god damn iPhone – Like WTF- Great parenting skills Bel….Ask anyone that calls me, 2 minutes later I gotta go as one of the kids are whinging or wanting my attention. Best time to call me is at 750am – 9am or from 730 pm onwards or during work hours 😉

To me a great friend is someone who is there for you and will back you 100% even when you are not there to defend yourself.

We all have many friends on FB, Insta, Snapchat, Whats app (I forgot I had that app until I seen all the unread messages the other day) and any other social media outlet. How many of them are real friends? I can tell you now, I can count them on my hands. The ones that know me really well, know my secrets, they know my fears, they have seen me at my worst and still loved me. And visa versa….

Good friends are the ones that are honest with you and tell you what they think. Wether you like it or not. Good friends let you make mistakes – sometimes they will be there to help you and sometimes they will be there to support with the after effect of mistakes but good friends will stick to you and support your decisions no matter what you decide.

Ive defended people that should not have been, but that’s just me, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Do I regret it, No,  because thats who I am. I can be pretty honest as well, no point sugar coating shit. Some people can take it and some can’t, the ones that can’t take feedback are now gone and I wish them well, they walked away not me, no hard feelings just wasn’t the right time.

Martti, who asked me to write another blog – for his amusement I am sure 😉 can be pretty blunt as well- say it how it is, no fucks given…If you want truth, go to him, if you don’t, well he will tell you anyway.

Dianne is exactly the same, she is a fucking legend and makes me laugh every god damn day with what comes out of her mouth – Everywhere I work there is someone like that and we just click……

So a good friend is someone that will eat a full bowl of ice cream with you or M&M’s (Angelina) whilst sitting one the lounge in your Pj’s not giving a rats ass if you hair or make up isn’t done, or you haven’t showered in days (Yes ppl I shower), will go to your fridge and make themselves at home, eat your food, drink you coffee, smoke your smokes, steal your lighters (I know many) – but if you touch my ice magic I will chop your hands off ;-). They are the ones you need in your life.

The ones that will carry you home drunk and help you get undressed, that will keep your secrets SECRET. I have that many secrets in my lil brain I could destroy the world -hahaha- but I won’t. Why? Because I can be trusted thats why.

We all have been backstabbed in our life and its not a nice thing – Yes Ive even done it, for good reasons of course, but look to your friends now and tell me, would you be willing to steal their ice magic and get your hands chopped off for them….

Martti, we have been through so much – including dressing up like dickheads, me teaching you how to play the game, even though I realised you knew, coffee or red bulls at 5am starts, making me text certain text messages cause I was a chicken, leaving work with Ang when the twins were born……The kids and I may be about 150kms away from you and Ang but remember I still love ya both ❤

 

Now I’m going to bed

B

xo

 

 

 

Motivation

Motivation

So I had a conversation with a great person today, he would have to be the most motivated and dedicated person I have met. He knows what he wants and he will achieve it, wether it be now or later. He will not back down, even though some put doubt to him, he is courageous, outrageous and sometimes a lil crazy but he is an inspiration to many, especially his kids. You know how you get those people that talk the walk, well he actually walks the talk.

How many of you can say you can walk the talk?

I have met many people in my life and have been motivated along the way by people’s stories. Ive personally met people that have had everything handed to them on a silver spoon and think the world owes them a favour, the world owes you nothing dear.  Just cause mummy or daddy paid for everything for you, what has that taught you? Some silver spooners I have met have had a hard life and are extremely motivated as well so don’t take it the wrong way here but I have also met some that don’t know much.

There are those that have lived on struggle street and gotten through all the shit thats been handed to them. How do they do it? It’s all from within. They made peace with themselves to move on and let go of the past with no regrets. There are those who stay motivated no matter what is thrown at them, they just never give up.There are single mums and dads who do it all for their kids and don’t give up, there are parents that have children with special needs and don’t give up. There are siblings bring up siblings and don’t give up.There are people battling diseases every god damn day that don’t give up. These people are my kinda people, they are survivors and just don’t give up – even though some days are tough, they just keep going.  Thats what motivates me- People that just don’t give up.

I come from a school of hard knocks, Ive been out of home since I was 16 – moved out cause I could not live with my mother (Rest with the angels Mumma- I know she’s ghost slapping me now). I had to survive on my own and learn things all by myself, I taught myself to cook – even though at 16 I was shit at it but I did it, I was to stubborn to ask for help- Im a lil like that still. My story is no different to any other story of someone. It might be boring to some or it might be an inspiration to some. I used to get told that I wouldn’t know what a hard life is and I wasn’t street smart – Oh please – you haven’t gone through half the shit I have- anyway back to being motivated.

 

So my lil sister just made a big decision in her life to leave her comfort zone and I couldn’t be more prouder of her. She’s not one to do that and this time she has and she should be bloody proud of herself for it. She changed her mind set and went for it.

 

 

So next time ask yourself. What motivates you?

 

Till next time

B

xo

 

Happiness

So my last blog had hit a nerve with a few people but if they think it got to me, they are wrong. The more you tear me down, the more determined I become. I thrive on challenges thrown at me. Tell me I can’t do something and I will show you I can.

You see at this moment I am so content in life, I have everything in the world right here in front of me. I have my beautiful children who are happy, a cozy home that’s not perfect but we have a roof over our head, some fantastic people in our life – new & old, a great job, great family, a car that can take us on adventures, routine, non-routine, spontaneous adventures, I am breathing and I am truly happy.

A lot of people don’t know that I like to write(and also draw/sketch), why do I do it? It’s a release for me and hopefully to maybe help someone. For someone out there it could be one word, one blog, a sentence or anything I have written that could change someone for the better. I like to read, I love quotes, I love meeting people, everything I have read or people I have met have a story to tell and its inspiring to me. I will sit there and listen for hours I will put my input in when needed , sometimes I will just jump in but not always.

I work in an industry where I have to talk to people everyday and all the people I have spoken to have a story, somedays I have teared up listening to them,their love stories, the horror stories, what they have been through and having that empathy side of me really kicks in.

What is it that makes us humans really happy? Is it knowing that what you can set your mind to and achieve it, is it no stress. No one will really know.

I have grieved, I have cried my eyes out, I have rocked back and forth in a corner wanting something to work, I have felt unappreciated, I have felt like shit, I have stressed just like all of us. BUT….It’s what we do after that, that’s what matters. You can stay down there and be in your lil pit of shit or you can do something about it. I decided to do something about it.

Turn the shit feeling into putting energy into something you are great at. They say it takes 30 days to form a habit. Just get out there and do it and if you fail, start again. It’s not about whether you fail or win, it’s about how hard you are trying to win. It may take you 3 days to get there or it may take 30 years but at least you’re trying and once your there-EMBRACE IT.

As I was writing this blog my eldest son called me to check up on me and to share his good news of his new hip-hop/rap track he just done. When listening to it, a relief of tears came out on how proud I am of him and then he hit me with he wants to move to Toronto or England to make music and my heart shattered. He has found something he loves and wants to pursue it and I couldn’t be more prouder. When he was growing up he was pushed into sports because his father played and I was against it, I let him try it if he wants to and if he didn’t like it he could leave. He stuck with football until he was 16 and gave it up for Basketball (much to everyone’s disappointment) but he had the height (6’3) and fierce nature for it. Then he stopped that and went back to footy, oz-tag and then working for his apprentice when he found his passion in music…..That’s where it lies and now the bugger wants to up and leave. I’ll miss him but I’m proud of his achievements……

Till next time

 

B

xo

 

 

How does she do it?

What’s it like being a single mum of twins? Thats the question I am always asked or how the hell do you do it? The simple answer is “I have no choice”

My weekdays start from 445am – I need to have a shower and coffee in peace before they wake up at 530 or 6 or so, Once they rise, it’s like being a Zoo keeper.  I have my shower, jump out, put my PJs back on and start the day. Breakfast making, Lunch making (if I didn’t do it the night before), Cleaning up the toast or weetbix from all over the joint, wiping faces, soaking dishes, Im on my second small coffee by now, trying to do my make up and then pulling apart fights or tantrums. Then its them getting dressed and reading books for 20 mins, brushing teeth, my hair gets blow dried,I eat breakfast (Shake) and then by 730am I get dressed. Thats my morning everyday Mon-Fri……..I drop them off at Daycare- give kisses and cuddles and then once in my car I just breath and know it’s only me and Ed Sheeran or Pink on the 10 minute drive to work.

I WORK FOR SANITY – Kudos to the mums who don’t work and are stay at home mums, yes I did it for 9 months and loved every minute of it but I have to pay the bills as well.

Rent, Phone, Electricity, Food, Loans, Clothes plus more…

I don’t need sympathy or anything, Im a kick ass mum who is doing it for her kids. One day they will see it and hopefully learn from it.

I work in the medical/public system and have to hear and talk to people everyday, some inspire, some perspire, some reck of urine,some smell amazing and I spoil myself, some have such beautiful traits and some have changed my life in one way or another. They all have stories and I hear about them everyday. I think cause a majority of them are lonely. Some days it drains my brain but I keep going, the rude ones we bitch about-so be careful what you say to me cause word gets around. 😛

Then at 6pm I pick the kids up and the Zoo starts again. Dinner to cook for 3 of us – I usually have their left overs and a salad or a Shake (Thanks Dianne), playtime out the back, bath, reading again (I can only deal with so many books but I have noticed they are saying more words now), Bottle, watching Shrek (It’s our movie) and they fall asleep on the lounge or I will place them in my bed with music on my phone for them to fall asleep with. Sometimes I fall asleep but usually don’t. It’s usually 8:30 pm by now and I am knackered. Some days ill call Coop or Kody and that depends if they answer their phone as well.

I start cleaning the house, washing up, getting clothes ready for next day or making lunches and then I troll FB or Insta or watch MAFS (Married at first sight). By then its usually 10pm. Some days I go to bed early and some days Im in bed by 11- depending how many coffees I have had. Maybe thats why I had to get an Iron infusion last month :O ….but it worked and have never felt so bloody good…..

Weekends come and I can sleep in to about 630-7am and I let that routine go….We go and do stuff…we explore Beaches, Coffee, Shopping, Going to my sisters-Free babysitting there until they get bored with it – JADE :)….Sometimes they have a nap on me and sometimes they don’t but hey it’s all part of the day….

You see I have no choice- I just get shit done

B

xo

The last 3 years since the last blog…..

So where do I start. ? The last blog I had done was way back when the Twins were lil mites, now they have turned into lil rascals but I love em with all my heart.

A lot has happened in those 2 years.  I have soul searched 🙂

So just after the last blog, I had developed Post Natal Depression, I was not proud of myself and now looking back I am so proud of myself for coming so far with it. I wasn’t medicated, I self explored my mind and learnt to cope, I survived. I was told to medicate but I chose not to, I didn’t want to go down that path. I know plenty of people that have medicated and kudos to them for getting something done but it was my choice not to. Im not one to judge anyones decisions how to get through their tough times.

I reached out and want to thank all that helped me- you know who you are- This is a raw blog so I would personally like to thank these people. Angelina, Martti, Lisa, Lori, Silvana, Michelle and my two biggest kids Cooper & Kody. They were my rock to lean on but I was also stubborn in my ways and said Ill do this myself. You see I don’t rely on anyone. I vent but hey arnt we all human 🙂

You see the Twins father was playing up behind my back, going out to the pub on a week night and not letting me know where he was and then coming home very late as drunk as fuck. I knew people and those people would tell me but I was not believing it. He was on all the dating apps you could think of, and was having a whale of a time, even going on Tinder when I was pregnant and just after I gave birth. Like who the fuck does that?

Not believing that someone, who was a father could do this to his own children, to the mother of his children. But he did and I kicked him to the curb last year when I had had enough of his shit ways. Your going to ask why I didn’t do anything then? Well when you’ve gone through PND and anxiety with no sleep, your mind is the most powerful tool and it plays on you. If you’ve never gone through depression, PND, PTSD, Anxiety- you will never understand.But then it was 2 lil ones that got me through this. I needed to be their strength and hope and show them you can over come anything so I set my mind to a different mindset and got through it

I had started to become myself again in the mean time and he wasn’t liking that I was independent and looking after myself and the twins. I was getting ahead with our life and we were doing things for us. My life was revolving around my kids and work and I was on top of the world and still am. Nothing could beat me to the ground anymore. Not only did I go through crap, I survived it and could not be more prouder of myself. I left a job behind in Sydney and started a better one, one where I can help someones life or even save it. I started studying Aged care- yet to finish it as I have not had the time as yet but I will.

Because I had trained my mind and told myself everyday that I can do this, things fell into place. I am not religious at all, I can be pretty spiritual and believe in the afterlife and all things that people question. I believe in “The Secret”. If you think it and live it, it is the law of attraction. You can achieve anything you put your mind to. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have regrets in my life at all- I believe everything happens for a reason, it’s to test you to see what you can endure.

Through out my life I have been tested. From living with addicts (not by choice) at 16 and not touching the shit- I hate it, Living with a gambler, living with a narcissist and I still stayed true to my word of everyone deserves a second chance, sometimes 3 but if you can’t help yourself after 3 goes, no one has a chance to help you but YOU!

I surround myself with people that inspire, that make me laugh, that don’t care what people think, that are honest and true to themselves. There is no better way.

I am gunna make the rest of my life, the best of my life and I am going to teach the twins this as well.

Until the next one…… xo

Hold On Pain Ends = HOPE